Introduction
Infidelity (cheating) in a relationship is unfortunately not an uncommon experience. According to the Daily Nation (2023), the Kenya National Bureau of Statistics (KNBS) survey showed that 35% of men reported having sex in the past 12 months with a person who neither was their wife nor lived with them while only 19% of women had sex with a person who neither was their husband nor lived with them.
This month, we asked our community (and analyzed KOT discourse) to find some of the reasons people have cheated on their partners. The responses from our therapist are from a psychological perspective and are meant to be an insight into potential reasons why someone might feel the way they do. It is not a substitute for therapeutic advice. If you’d like to participate next time, follow our Instagram page (@shamiri.health) and look for our call for responses!
1. “I wanted to break up with my partner, but I didn’t know how to do it.”
Our thoughts: Sometimes people cheat because they are not sure about how to face the end of a relationship or be direct about it. It can feel easier to create a situation that may make your partner initiate the breakup instead. This may stem from fear of confrontation, communication difficulties, previous unsuccessful attempts to end the relationship, or not wanting to feel guilty about being the one who leaves.
Our recommendation: When you realize a relationship has run its course, have the integrity to end the relationship honestly and with care. A breakup can still end with respect for oneself and your partner, without having to sabotage what is left.
2. “I felt like I was settling too soon; I thought I could do better.”
Our thoughts: Sometimes this feeling comes from discomfort with vulnerability; the deeper a relationship gets the more exposed we feel. This can point to negative self-perception, past relational difficulties or trauma, or an insecure attachment style, specifically avoidant attachment. Some people protect themselves from the discomfort of vulnerability by convincing themselves that “something better” must be out there.
Our recommendation: Thinking “I could do better” could be because of an idealized version of a partner/relationship, or it could be because of mismatches in connection, attraction, desires, or values. It's worth exploring why you are feeling this way -- is it about qualities that your partner lacks, discomfort with what the relationship demands or something else entirely? Figuring this out can help you decide your next steps.
3. “I wasn’t content with the relationship – I needed more.”
Our thoughts: Feeling dissatisfied can arise when our emotional, physical, or practical needs are not met, whether that’s affection, quality time, shared goals, or a sense of partnership etc. But sometimes we might not know what those needs are until resentment builds. Therefore, it is important to practice identifying, acknowledging, and expressing our needs clearly without shame or accusation.
Our recommendation: Healthy relationships are not about perfect compatibility or fulfillment but communicating about our needs openly. Open communication gives our relationships/partners a chance to respond and meet our needs before seeking fulfillment elsewhere.
4. “I felt lonely.”
Our thoughts: Loneliness in a relationship can be a painful experience. It happens when communication breaks down, when daily routines demand more attention, or when one or both partners are distracted by responsibilities, stress, or personal challenges. Loneliness does not necessarily mean that the love is gone, but that attention and connection are needed.
Our recommendation: It can help to explore what helps you feel attuned and connected to your partner. Instead of seeking other people to soothe the loneliness, try to reach inward (within yourself and the relationship) to meet your needs and repair the bond.
5. “I was bored.”
Our thoughts: Maybe you, your partner, or both of you, have stopped doing the things that brought excitement early in the relationship: going on dates, spending quality time together, or having fun together. Daily routines and responsibilities can replace these activities, leaving the relationship feeling predictable or unfulfilling. Boredom can also result from a disconnection with yourself; when we lack hobbies, personal interests, social support, or other sources of enrichment, we unconsciously rely on our partners to provide excitement. These factors can make cheating feel like a pathway to stimulation. It would be beneficial to t
Our recommendation: Try to re-invite excitement and connection through personal and shared experiences. Maybe you’re longing for change or new experiences within the relationship or other aspects of your life. Bringing back curiosity and open-mindedness into your existing relationship can sometimes give you the novelty you were searching for in other people.
6. “I wanted to get back at my partner for cheating on me first.”
Our thoughts: When we’ve been betrayed, it is common to want the other person to feel the same pain. Revenge cheating can seem like a way to regain power or even the score, but it rarely brings relief. It often keeps both people stuck in cycles of hurt and retaliation. Anger is a powerful emotion and is connected to unmet needs and situations that we deem as unfair or disrespectful, and while it is good to understand what your anger is trying to communicate, acting impulsively (or doing something out of revenge) is not a good idea.
Our recommendation: Practice emotional intelligence when anger arises by learning to understand what exactly anger is communicating to you. Instead of seeking retribution, focus on processing the pain and recovery, whether within or outside the relationship. Your energy can be better spent if you focus on healing (as an individual or with your partner), rather than punishment. Then you can decide whether you want to repair the relationship or end it.
7. “I was drunk.”
Our thoughts: Alcohol and drugs lower our inhibitions by reducing impulse control and distorting reasoning and decision-making processes. They can also impair our ability to foresee the consequences of our actions. Cheating while intoxicated can stem from conscious thoughts or subconscious desires.
Our recommendation: It is important to be mindful of how substances affect your choices, emotional states, and behaviors. If alcohol repeatedly leads to behaviors that conflict with your values or cause you to hurt other people, that’s a queue for introspection. Reflecting on this can help you to be accountable, understand your emotional needs and triggers, and make choices that are more aligned with your values even when you are in altered or vulnerable states.
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